How To Move With A Cat

This may not be an official installment of the "Guide To New York City Living" but it follows from a close, personal experience I recently had. I hope these step-by-step instructions are helpful to you if you ever find yourself moving with an animal of the feline persuasion.

How To Move With A Cat:

Step 1) Decide to move, meet with a broker, look at apartments, settle on an apartment, run all over hell and creation pulling paperwork together, submit paperwork to management company, get approved, sign your lease, arrange to move out with your current building, hire movers.

Step 2) Bring a solitary box home as motivation to begin packing. Set this box on your floor. Watch as your cat sniffs it thoroughly and then climbs inside. Squeal about how cute she is and take 57 pictures. Text these pictures to your boyfriend. Berate said boyfriend for not being as excited about the adorableness of your cat as you are.

Step 3) Bring more boxes home and begin putting things inside. Feel bad every time you have to take away a box from your cat in order to put things in it. Finally give her a box of her own that she can utilize until the packing process is complete.

Step 4) Watch as your cat jumps from empty shelf to empty shelf, from stack of boxes to stack of boxes, and on top of your dresser where she has never been before. Be impressed by how well she is taking this change in her life. Wonder at her excitement over exploring these here-to-fore unknown surfaces that she can now access. Squeal over how cute she is. Take 89 pictures of her on every surface in your room and text them to your boyfriend.

Step 5) Sadly take your cat's box away to pack the rest of your belongings. Feel incredibly guilty about this, like you have just told her you are selling her to the circus to pay for ramen noodles.

Step 6) The night before your move sit your cat down and calmly explain to her that the two of you are moving out. That she will be seperated from her brother, the dog and her aunt, your roommate, but you promise that you will all see each other again. Promise her that you love her very much and that you are sure the two of you will be happy in your new home. Tell your boyfriend about this conversation and watch him rub his temples.

Step 7) Greet your movers at the door and notice that your cat has completely disappeared from sight. Peek under your bed and find her hiding under it in the furtherst corner. Feel terrible that her safety zone will soon be removed.

Step 8) After the bed is moved realize that the cat has relocated and you cannot find her. Search the remaining furniture in the room, the closets, and the rest of the apartment. Panic. Be convinced she ran out the door while the movers weren't looking, got on the elevator, somehow pressed the ground button, ended up in the lobby, waltzed out the front door of the building and is now wandering the streets alone and scared.

Step 9) Find the cat under your roommate's bed.

Step 10) Pull out the dreaded cat carrier and prepare yourself for battle. Try to coax your cat out quietly. Wave a toy at her. Try to lure her out calmly with a piece of string. Be completely unsuccessful of anything but garnering yourself a glare that could melt steel.

Step 11) Begrudgingly allow your boyfriend to help you. Be horrified when he waves his power drill at the cat. Catch the cat as she shoots across the room in abject terror at ten thousand miles an hour. Succumb to vigorous scratching that leads to you dropping the cat. Chase her into your now empty room.

Step 12) Close yourself in your bedroom with the cat, your boyfriend, and the cat carrier. Be impressed at the size of your cat's tail. Listen in disbelief as your cat makes sounds you did not think an animal of that size capable of making. Finally grab the cat and stuff her into her carrier. Listen to her tiny and pathetic meows of defeat. Feel like a terrible person.

Step 13) Travel by cab to your new place with the saddest cat in the history of the known universe.

Step 14) Let your cat out of the carrier at the new apartment. Watch as she explores her now much smaller living space with her belly close to the ground as though she is training with the army under barbed wire. Finally open a cabinet for her to run into as there is no other place for her to hide and the movers will be arriving shortly.

Step 15) Do not see your cat for 6 hours. Be completely unpacked with all furniture in place and sitting calmly before she emerges. Try to coax her to eat. Fail. Watch as she runs under the bed which is still her hiding place but now in a new location. Roll your eyes as your boyfriend tries to lure her out with a tape measure.

Step 16) Feel like a horrible owner and an awful person for uprooting your cat's entire life and turning her world upside down. Convince yourself you are not fit for animal ownership. Be sure you have destroyed her sanity and you will have to put her on kitty xanax which there is no way you can afford.

Step 17) Realize all is forgiven when your cat emerges from under the bed at midnight and curls up with you. Finally breathe a sigh of relief. Thank whatever gods may be that cats have a short memory.

Step 18) Declare that you are never, ever moving again.