We open with a very Nora-covered Eric silently crying bloody tears. Well played, True Blood. Way to hook me. You know I can’t resist ASkars when he cries. He sees Bill in the doorway and demands to know why the newly minted vamp god didn’t bring Warlow to him. His voice is all hot and growly and this is my favorite kind of Eric. Bill tries to placate him and begs Eric to join him on his quest to infiltrate the vampire camp and save their friends. Um, Bill honey? I think it’s pretty clear Eric’s not all there at present so you might want to back off for a hot second. Eric of course tears into Bill for not standing up to Sookie and it’s clear he either has a death wish or just wants someone to punish him for letting his sister die when he promised she would live forever. He knows Bill won’t actually kill him, but Eric needs a good verbal sparring and wants to hurt someone as bad as he’s hurting right now. It’s all good fun until Bill pulls out the big guns: “You want to die just like your weakling maker Godric.”
Oh HEEEEEELLLLLLLL no. Billith did NOT just step to Godric.
Bill tells Eric to leave and the Viking is out of there like the Flash.
We now join the worst storyline on the show – the werewolf/shifter/flower power clusterfuck. Alicde has apparently decided to stop being a monumental dick and lies to the pack about killing Nicole and her mom. Rikki hauls out the hostages and challenges Alcide for pack master. I seriously wish I cared.
Rikki was kind of cool and badass at first, but at this point I couldn’t care less about Alcide’s bottom bitch or his bitch on the side. Alcide takes them down (duh, he’s pretty much one giant muscle in man shape) and hits the road. I hope this is the last we see of that pack and their were-issues.
At the vamp camp, HBIC Violet is keeping Jason as her own personal blood bag, and tells him she’s going to keep him even after they’re free. I guess they’re trying to find something for Jason to do. Ryan Kwanten is hott and I love that Jason is dumb as a post, but I’m kind of ambivalent about this whole plot point. Violet could be cool, but I’m not sold.
Sookie visits Warlow and gives him some of her blood. Question: why is he still tied up? He could be around Sookie at first without wanting to drain her, so if he's expecting to live off of her blood and her blood only, what she’s doling out should suffice, right? Whatever, I’m confused. And I wish I cared more, but I don’t. I’m not a fan of this insta-romance, round #5 of men in love with Sookie, or Warlow as a character. Yeah, he’s cute, but so what? This show is dripping in cute men. He may have loved Sookie for "6,000 years" but there has been zero build up to this and Sookie seems kind of ambivalent and resigned about the whole thing so it’s not like it’s a sweep you off your feet romance. Plus I really don’t like Sookie right now. Ugh, I could rant about this for a long time but I’m going to move on.
Warlow tells Sookie he’ll help her vamp friends (who, honestly, she doesn’t seem to give a shit about right now…it’s like this is just an imposition Bill is putting on her) if she’ll agree to be his forever. Dun dun DUNNNNN!!!
Sookie leaves the fairy realm and Eric pops out from behind the bushes like a creepster.
He’s clearly desperate to get to Warlow and I have a feelings he’s going to be getting his own brand of vengeance on the vamp camp. I love Eric in revenge mode. I love him in any mode.
Speaking of vamp camp, Jessica and her new beau James just finished doing the deed and they are both adorably rumpled and cuddly and smiley and I just can’t take it because James is SO CUTE and he is SO GOING TO DIE. Seriously. Cute guys who start up romances with lead characters at the 11th hour under dangerous circumstances are not long for this world, and doing the horizontal tango with Jess just sealed his fate. Damn. I really like him, too.
The guards break up their clandestine rendezvous and pick up Pam on the way to gen pop as she’s leaving her psychiatrist’s office – presumably after just having sex with him. Gross. Jessica definitely got the better deal here.
Sam is back in Bon Temps getting all nostalgic over Terry. I loved Terry and his death is sad and poignant but I’m ready to move on. Alcide shows up with Nicole and her mom and Sam and Alcide share a tiny bro moment. Men really do get over their fights quickly. Wasn’t Alcide threatening to kill Sam, like, 24 hours ago?
At the vamp camp, James is nice enough (his moral compass is another reason he’s doomed for the chopping block) to warn Steve not to drink the Tru Blood. This is definitely going to end badly.
Sam talks to Nicole and her mom and I just don’t care.
He hugs Nicole and weirdly sniffs her and…aw, shit, it’s not what I think it is, is it?
Sookie showers and remembers Warlow in her bathroom and walks around in a Tshirt and drinks and listens to Jason’s message and I wonder what snacks are in my fridge.
Sam and Alcide are drinking together and Alcide let’s slip he knows that Nicole is preggars. He smelled it on her as well...but Nicole still has no idea. SIGH. So this is the next storyline we’re in for, huh? Lord beer me strength.
At vamp camp Pam attempts a very reluctant and weak attempt to free Jason from Violet’s clutches. It doesn’t work, natch, but I love Pam for trying in her own Pam-like way.
Jason asks Violet not to rape him, and I’m reminded of the worst storyline in this show's history and want to bleach my brain. I simultaneously like to pretend the panther gang-rape never happened and wonder if there are little were-Jasons running around out there. And wonder why this guy isn’t in therapy. Or why the whole cast isn't in therapy. Hell, Pam's probably the one who needs it least. Anyway, Violet assures Jason that when they do sleep together, he will want it. So, yeah, that is definitely going to happen.
At the Bellfleur’s, Lafayette is being awesome and making breakfast for a hung over Arlene. I miss Lafayette. Andy comes in and tries to swipe her bacon and I find that I am really enjoying Andy this season. He’s charming in small doses. Lafayette spills the beans about Terry's life insurance and Arlene realizes he was planning to die. She snaps at Adilyn for reading her mind, sending the girl running off.
Sookie goes to see Bill to tell him about Warlow’s conditions for his assistance: that Sookie agree to be a vamp and his forever. Bill does not see a problem with this which I find hilarious, but honestly neither do I. I get that this is supposed to be some moral dilemma, but I’m just NOT getting it. Aside from the vamp camp that has popped up this season, Sookie turning into a vampire would have approximately zero downsides. She would (presumably) still be able to walk in the sun because she’s part fae. She would stay young and hot forever. She would be able to live on Tru Blood (once they stop poisoning it) so she wouldn’t have to harm any mortals. She would get to have lots of sex with a sexy guy. Yeah he kind of wants to own her and that’s pretty messed up but still, NOT seeing the drawbacks here. I also don’t understand why she’s acting so put upon by Bill when she knows her friends (and her brother if she could put 2 and 2 together) are all in danger. This chick is really bothering me right now and I’m glad Bill told her off so bluntly. I love how much their relationship has devolved.
At the vamp camp, Sarah makes Steve run in a giant hamster wheel until he fesses up to how he knew about the Tru Blood being spiked with Hep V. Dammit I KNEW that was going to come back to bite James in the ass! By the way, I love that Steve is a level 4. He is the only one I recall seeing. He's like the vampire weakest link.
Holly’s redneck sons stop by to convince Adilyn to go out with them, despite the fact that her three sisters were just brutally murdered. She agrees of course.
It's been a really long time since we've seen Eric on screen and I'm getting antsy for my fix.
It's been a really long time since we've seen Eric on screen and I'm getting antsy for my fix.
Sarah has Steve and James in the cell from Bill’s vision and we know she is planning to flambé them. James looks resigned. Steve sobs and looks genuinely terrified and it is so heartbreaking that I actually feel sorry for him. I kind of want to give him a hug.
Back in Bon Temps, Sam tells Nicole she should stay with him despite her mother’s (hilarious) protests that he’s too old for her. He tells her that he loves her, and I call shenanigans. Luna JUST died less than 2 weeks ago in this universe, and I think he’s spouting this so he can take care of their future child. Noble, but stupid. If you really want to save the kid, don't tell her to stay in vamp central, get her the hell out of dodge! Nicole is all smitten and tells him she loves him too. I try not to dry heave. I’m actually glad to see Sookie show up for once.
Then in possibly the least self-aware, whiniest, most put-upon, simpering Sookie scene I have ever witnessed, she pretty much asks Sam to be her fall back guy and implies that she could ditch her fairy powers and they could have a normal life together. Really, Sookie? REALLY? Sam may be boring, but even he does not deserve to be treated that way. At least he stands up for himself and kicks her to the curb…although I can’t help but wonder what he would have said if Nicole wasn’t a factor. Ugh, Sookie is just the worst.
There is a sad scene where Arlene and the Bellfleurs are planning Terry’s funeral. It was a little long but touching and I feel really bad for Arlene, especially having just found out Terry had planned for his own murder. Once again, Andy steps up the plate and I find myself liking him more and more this season. I hope Arlene has a ball with that 2 mil. She deserves it after everything she’s been through.
Sookie has a long monologue at her parents’ graves about how she would rather be a walking corpse than be buried next to them. It’s chilling and well delivered, but since I can’t stand Sookie right now it just didn’t pack the emotional punch it should have. A walking corpse, Sookie? Really? Might I point out that you have now slept with 2 and a half walking corpses? There are just no stakes here (no pun intended) and I really don’t think they are going to go through with making her a vamp anyway. This isn’t Twilight (thank God).
Then we come to the coup de gras scene of the episode – a truly epic smackdown between Sarah Newlin and Tru Blood rep Ms. Suzuki who visits the factory and wises up to just what’s been going on. From Sarah’s ingratiating grins as she walks past the guards, to her fake "girl power" speech, to the crotch kick, to the failed attempt at breaking Suzuki’s neck, to the mad chase through the lab and final death blow (death by shoe! I CAN’T!) this was one of my favorite sequences in True Blood history. It was as good as any horror movie, made even more chilling by Sarah weeping after the fact, not over what she had done, but because Jesus had “saved” her cause. One screen cap does not do it justice:
Plus the male vampires going crazy at the smell of blood and licking it off the floor, and Suzuki breaking her ankle trying to walk on the grates…lord that is my CONSTANT nightmare when I walk over grates in stilettos in the city…all of it was just…SHUDDER. Not since Lorena and Bill’s Exorcist-sex. Okay I could wax poetic about this all day, but moving on…
Sookie calls Jason and leaves him a rambling message. Then calls Bill and tells him to pick her up. I'm bored.
There is an intensely uncomfortable scene where one of Holly’s sons is getting Adilyn naked (logically I know this chick has to be over 18 to show her boobs, and I am in no way a prude, but it just made me feel mega icky) and Eric shows up. He glamours the boys to forget they were there (and the sight of fairy boobage) before taking off after Adilyn and feeding from her. I think we all know where this is going. For the record, I also logically know that Adilyn SHOULD be running, especially since her sisters were just drained by a vamp, but I can’t help the feeling that if I saw Eric Northman stalking towards me out of the shadows, I would be running TOWARDS him.
There is a really drawn out (but nicely lit and rather eerie) scene where Sookie gets ready to die or turn into a vamp or whatever. They really focused a long time on that hair pin. Is she going to end up stabbing someone with it?
Didn’t she say in her message to Jason she would meet him at Terry’s funeral the next morning? How is she going to do that if she’s taking a dirt nap while she turns into a vamp? I’m clearly not meant to think about this so hard.
At vamp camp, Violet picks up on Pam, Tara, and Jess not drinking the Tru Blood and all four get hauled off to the infamous white room. Jessica tells them they’re all going to meet the sun in there. I know Bill told her about his vision, but…duh, Jess. Although I can’t help but think James is going to be the only one to die. I’m just resigned to it at this point.
Andy finds Adilyn running down the road, crying and bleeding. They have a cute father/daughter moment. I love their dynamic.
Sookie leads Bill to the graveyard and into fairy land or whatever it is, and they find Warlow still tied to a grave with his throat basically torn out.
So I guess we’re supposed to be concerned about him surviving or something, but I honestly don’t care. Bill quickly surmises that Eric is the one who drained Warlow. Thanks, Captain Obvious. Jess is definitely your daughter. I love how Bill was waiting around for Sookie to bring him to Warlow and Eric was all “eff this, losers” and took care of business himself. He didn’t kill Adilyn. He didn’t harm Sookie. He didn’t force her into an agreement to turn into a vamp. He more than likely didn’t kill Warlow either. So, explain to me why Eric could put this plan into action and Bill couldn’t? No, you know what, don’t bother. I already know the answer. Bill sucks and Eric is awesome-sauce.
I can’t wait to see the Viking get his vengeance on next week.
Updates about my life to come, but those are less entertaining.
(Screen caps courtesy of screencapped.net)
(Screen caps courtesy of screencapped.net)