Saturday, September 3, 2011

So You Want To Visit New York

Planning a trip to New York City?  Never been here?  Allow me to assist you by sharing these simple guidelines to help improve your stay (and the lives of everyone who works here). 


A Simple Rule Book For The New York City Tourist*:

1) DON'T keep your umbrella open while walking under scaffolding.  I realize New York City has scaffolding every other block, but if you do thumb exercises and stretching I'm fairly confident that you will be able to open and shut your umbrella with sufficient speed and ease.

2) DON'T walk three people across on a sidewalk.  Two is pushing it, but as long as there is room to get around you, you'll be fine.  But three people walking side by side?  Unacceptable.

3) DON'T walk the same pace that you do at home.  If you're unsure how fast you should walk in New York City, it's good practice to take the speed you typically walk and double it.  At least.

4) DON'T pause in the middle of the sidewalk to take a photo/video of your girlfriend standing in the middle of Times Square/look at a map.  If you need to stop, make sure you are well out of the way of passersby.  If you aren't, you are either going to get run over,  cursed at, or have a random Joe Schmo in your photo as he walks in front of your camera.

5) DON'T ride up and down the subway escalator next to each other, or stand on the left side.  The right side of the escalator is for standing, the left is for walking.  Again, expect to be run over or cursed at if you don't follow this simple rule. 

6) DON'T pay any attention to the man covered in a pile of plastic bags and newspaper sleeping in the subway car.  He is much more afraid of you than you are of him.

7) DON'T take a ride from a car service unless you're in a tornado or it's hailing out.  Those people rip you the hell off.  Stick with cabs.  I'm trying to help you here.

8) DON'T be afraid to asks for directions.  New Yorkers aren't that scary, I promise.  Unless it's before 9 am and said New Yorker hasn't had their coffee.  Then all bets are off.

*Likely applies to other large cities in the US and around the world.

18 comments:

Sarah Pearson said...

Oh my goodness. The escalator thing drive me nuts!

L. said...

#5 applies in Washington DC, too. Also, do not get to the top/bottom of the escalator and stop to figure out where you're going. You will be trampled by a mass of black-suited feds.

Crystal Cheverie said...

Wow. I actually wish Toronto were more like New York. We're generally waaaaaay too polite here - we let people get away with things like blocking both sides of the escalator, walking ENTIRELY too slowly and walking three people across on the sidewalk.

NYC, here I come!! :-)

Liz said...

L. that is an EXCELLENT addition to my list. That drives me crazy.

MonkeyLOLogist said...

#6 made me crack up.

Amanda Leigh Cowley said...

Good list. Could have done with this before we visited!

I'm a Brit, and I remember going to a cafe and being overwhelmed with all the choices and not being able to work out what/how to order. The guy behind the counter was in no mood for explaining! Intimidating...

regectedriter said...

Oh. My. Yes.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
THANK YOU! THANK. YOU.
Hands down, this is the best account of what tourists should do in NY.

I am a Broklynite. I WILL walk in front of that picture if I'm late TO WORK. I WILL shake my head and sigh when you hand that man in the bags a $20 (because you know he's just gonna buy a 40). I WILL step on your flip flops (by accident), and say EXCUSE ME as I push through your barricade of bodies on the escalator and on the street.

But I also will throw you over my shoulder and drag you out of the car service car and toss you into a cab. That's only right.

Thanks for posting this, so funny!

Nelson Souzza said...

Hello! My first visit, will visit you again. Seriously, I thoroughly enjoyed your posts. Congrats for your work. If you wish to follow back that would be great I'm at http://nelsonsouzza.blogspot.com
Thanks for sharing!

Cynthia said...

funny, that's so true!

lisa fee said...

Funny post, I still want to go!

Joanne said...

Even though I have moved to the burbs over 16 years ago I still walk like a New Yorker. My kids complain that I walk way too fast. I tell them if you think I walk fast you should have seen your Grandmother! now that woman could outrun a race car! Funny Post!
Blessings, Joanne

Shannon Lawrence said...

Oh yeah, I'd say this applies in any big city. Most of them apply to medium cities.

Heather said...

Too funny! I haven't been to NYC since the summer of 1992, but it doesn't seem as though anything has changed!
#2 applies everywhere and I've been known to shoulder more than a few people that break this rule.
and #3 is SO TRUE! New Yorkers aren't scary, they just know "what's up" and aren't afraid to share it with the rest of us! :)

Heather said...

I'm passing on a blog award to you! Check out my post on My Demon Spirits!

L'Aussie said...

Thanks so much. I'd love to visit NYC one day soon. All advice taken seriously. The thing that we need as global citizens is to find a common side of the subway elevator to stand. When you travel from country to country, okay, left side here, right side in London (why? they drive on the left), why am I being pushed over, heck it must be on the left side here...especially tough if you're lugging luggage!

Denise

Angie Cothran said...

I've always wanted to visit NYC, but now I'm totally freaked out. What if I walk to slow or stand on the wrong side? I had no idea there were sidewalk rules :) Seriously funny (and a little scary) post!

Julie Coulter Bellon said...

LOL I would love to visit New York someday and will definitely keep these in mind!

*waving* I'm in your campaign group, stopping by to say hello. :)

Katie Dodge said...

Ha ha! Thanks for the tips! I hate to admit I've been one of those slow-walking tourists. But in my defense, I was young and in awe of the city. Cute blog BTW. :)