Saturday, August 28, 2010

A Guide to New York City Living: Lesson 1: How to be Hungover

Earlier today I started a blog post about why puppies are not good for hangovers. But then I decided to take it down and start this series instead. A friendly guide for living in New York, where I use easy to follow step-by-step instructions to explain to my readers the imporant and necessary aspects of being a twenty-something in the big city. I hope you find this helpful and informative.

New York City Living
Lesson 1: How to be Hungover

Step 1) Proclaim loudly and decisively that you will have only one drink tonight. Make a point of telling your roommate that this will be a calm and casual evening and you plan to be home by 9 at the latest.

Step 2) Don't leave your apartment until 11 pm.

Step 3) Stop by the liquor store on the way to your destination. Your friend has invited you and your roommate over and you feel as though you should contribute to the party. It is the polite thing to do after all.

Step 4) Purchase a bottle of wine. Wine is classy. Especially the kind in a bottle.

Step 5) Open the bottle of wine in your friend's elevator. The twist off cap makes this easy. Pass the bottle back and forth with your roommate. Make sure you are in mid-swallow when your friend opens the door.

Step 6) Marvel at the layout of snacks and mixers your friend has provided. Compliment her on the hummus and pita chips. Present your bottle of wine. She will thank you and ask if you want a cup. Say no. Finish the bottle yourself.

Step 7) After the bottle of wine is gone, have a beer.

Step 8) Have another beer.

Step 9) Have another beer.

Step 10) Dick around with your friend's playlist.

Step 11) Have another beer.

Step 12) Decide with your roommate and your friend that you should all meet up for brunch the next morning at 11 am.

Step 13) Engage in a heated political debate with several people at the party. It doesn't matter the topic or whether or not you are right. Insist you are right.

Step 14) Have another beer.

Step 15) Notice it is now 1:40 in the morning. Convince your roommate that you should go to the bar. She will agree. A couple of your guy friends will decide to join in the shenanigans.

Step 16) Don't leave for the bar until 2:30 am.

Step 17) Insist that you have to stop to buy cigarettes even though you quit smoking 2 and half years ago.

Step 18) Stop at a bodega where they accept cash only. Have no cash on you.

Step 19) Detour to an ATM. Make your friends wait.

Step 20) Go back to your bodega and purchase a pack of cigarettes for a reasonable $16. Smoke 3 drags of one. Start to cough. Throw the cigarette out.

Step 21) Arrive at the bar. Proclaim loudly and decisively that you've had enough to drink.

Step 22) Order a vodka tonic.

Step 23) Stay at the bar until last call. It is now 4 am. Decide you need pancakes like you've never needed pancakes in your life. You will not be able to go to bed unless you have pancakes. You will die if you don't have pancakes.

Step 24) Convince everyone else of the wonder of pancakes and head out to the diner.

Step 25) Look at the menu and decide you want a bagel with cream cheese instead.

Step 26) Tell your friend that he should order pancakes so you can mooch off his plate.

Step 27) Finally stumble home. One of your guy friend's has to crash on your couch because he drove down from Connecticut and has to move his car at 9 am.

Step 28) Somehow manage to get your contacts out. Do not brush your teeth or wash your face. Pull on your pjs.

Step 29) Crank the AC and pass out with your cat.

Step 30) Have bizarre, cracked-out dreams.

Step 31) Wake up at noon with a splitting headache the likes of which you have never felt before in your life. Feel like you're dying. Think someone is hammering nails into your skull.

Step 32) Crawl out of bed and stumble into your roommate's room. Ask her if she has Advil. She'll pull herself out of bed and hand you the last two pills she has left because she is amazing and self-sacrificing like that.

Step 33) Unintentionally wake up your puppy.

Step 34) Take your pills and decide that you need to go back to bed immediately. Be unable to because the puppy is now following you around the apartment, yipping and biting your ankles.

Step 35) Step in dog pee. For some reason the puppy thinks because the cat can pee in your room (in her neat little box) that he can too.

Step 36) Hop around on one foot looking for paper towels. This does not help your headache.

Step 37) Find the paper towels, wipe off your foot.

Step 38) Clean the puddle on the floor. Lock the dog out of your room. Listen to your roommate yelling at him.

Step 39) Go back to bed.

Step 40) Wake up at 3 pm.

Step 41) Sit in the livingroom in your pjs. Talk to your roommate about how you're both really hungry and want brunch.

Step 42) Turn on the tv and start working on a blog post.

Step 43) Talk to you roommate about how you should really order brunch.

Step 44) Delete the blog post you have just written.

Step 45) Talk to your roommate about how you're both starving and should really get brunch.

Step 46) At 4:30 pm pull on a pair of jeans and leave with your roommate to get brunch.

Step 47) Stop at Duane Reade to pick up Advil for your still-splitting headache.

Step 48) Arrive at the bagel cafe and order a huge, ginormous bagel that you couldn't fit in your mouth if your life depended on it. Be really excited about your bagel.

Step 49) Begin the treck back to your apartment. Complain about how far you have to go (5 blocks). Finally arrive back home at 5 pm. Greet your doorman who is just signing in for his evening shift. Try to pretend that you aren't holding your brunch

Step 50) Spend the remainder of the afternoon watching Jersey Shore and reruns of Buffy. Write a new blog post outlining your experiences as a warning to others. Enjoy your brunch. You'll be hungry for dinner around 10 pm.

And there you have it. I hope that you take this wisdom to heart. You never know when you are going to need it. Next time? How to take a cab.

4 comments:

Eileen Wiedbrauk said...

It's about 9:30 PM right now. Wanna get some dinner?

Liz said...

Just ordered Domino's :)

Baxter Allen said...

How to take a cab:
1) do not try to lie down.

Liz said...

Because then you get yelled at!